Think I am a dick? Wait until you jerk me around!

I have the dumbest class this semester.  One assignment is to make a personal advertisement. Here is what I wrote:

I am searching for a partner to share my time with, and perhaps consider marriage.  I am a college student currently, but have been in the professional world before, and know how to take care of business.  I am seeking a mature, stable female with large sums of extra time and money to devote to me.  No fat chicks.  Having body measurements of 38-22-32 is ideal, but again, no fatties.  Blonde or brunette or redhead, it doesn’t matter, as long as it’s natural.    No smokers, no drug users or alcoholics or psychopaths.  If a previous relationship still bothers you, don’t bother me, since my time is infinitely more important than yours.

My interests include photography, computers, spending your money and wasting your time.

Now about myself, I have brown hair, blue eyes, I am 5’3’’ tall, weigh in at almost 350 pounds and have chronic halitosis, plus I sweat profusely all the time, even when its cold outside.  I am balding and still live with my mom, in her basement with no plans of moving out.

If this sounds good to you, send a photo of yourself in lingerie and a 2nd photo of yourself naked.  Again, please, no fat chicks.